If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.
Quentin Crisp

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Lily Tomlin

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter

If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.
Yogi Berra

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
Jay London

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.
Dave Barry

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken

Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers.
P. J. O’Rourke

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine Hepburn

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Groucho Marx

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
Henry A. Kissinger

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.
Marlene Dietrich

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

I have a love interest in every one of my films – a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
Calvin Coolidge

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert Benchley

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers

I like children – fried.
W. C. Fields

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen

I like marriage. The idea.
Toni Morrison

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney

I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.
Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will Rogers

I never said most of the things I said.
Yogi Berra

I rant, therefore I am.
Dennis Miller

hmmmmmm SOMETIMES I wonder what they, think about each other in the heat of the political battle. I mean each candidate has

to come off as politically correct with each other and play fair and nice, but deep in the

heads of these candidates what evil or should we say real thoughts lurk within?

Perhaps as we dig deeper thoughts emerge or exist as the following funny

Motivational Poster below SHOWS Us ………………..

Now Barack Obama Lets not put the hidden thoughts out on Hilary Clinton only because we know that with this next picture that thoughts are also revealed. As we said before sometimes in the heat of political campaigns when the cameras are popping off all the time and following every move and gesture of the candidates-Truth is sometimes captured. Please don’t play poker with these faces because they show wayyyyyyy too much Remember we must focus on being Politically Correct and that includes facial expressions too!!

Hillary Clinton

Politician’s Sex Scandal Cheat Sheet

Here is the quick reference guide to help all politicians get through those inevitable sex scandals!

A..Wise Women Driver

See it

Golfer and the Caddy

Golfer: Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?
Caddy: The way you play, sir, it’s a sin any day of the week.

Accountant’s Reincarnation

The Accountant’s Theory of Reincarnation: if you are a good and virtuous accountant, then you are reborn as an engineer. But if you are evil, wicked accountant, you are reborn as a psychologist.

Church Signs

The new website called Churchsigngenerator.com is for those who may have a the devilish urge to sneak up to a church and change the sign. You can express yourself now in the privacy of your own home.

Antarctic Cruise

One of the passengers, who survived the shipwreck of Antarctic cruise ship: “We didn’t panic because we knew there must be other cruise ships in the area. The bizarre thing was that people began to tell Titanic jokes.” Possibly like this one:

Titanic was about to sink. People on the ship were crying, running and praying to God – just then a passenger had the following conversation with the captain. Passenger: How far is land, from here? Captain: Around two miles… Passenger: Only two miles, then why these fools are making noise. I can swim even more then that. Just tell me in which direction? Captain: Downward…

Carrots on the Road

Two carrots were crossing the road. One was ran over by a car. After taking the injured carrot to the hospital the doctor says, “Well the good news is that your friend is going to live, but the bad news is he’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”

Sharks and Lawyers

Why sharks would not attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

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We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

ISN’T ENGLISH A FUNNY LANGUAGE ?

There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple…
Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
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