Golfer and the Caddy
Golfer: Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?
Caddy: The way you play, sir, it’s a sin any day of the week.
Accountant’s Reincarnation
The Accountant’s Theory of Reincarnation: if you are a good and virtuous accountant, then you are reborn as an engineer. But if you are evil, wicked accountant, you are reborn as a psychologist.
Church Signs
The new website called Churchsigngenerator.com is for those who may have a the devilish urge to sneak up to a church and change the sign. You can express yourself now in the privacy of your own home.
Antarctic Cruise
One of the passengers, who survived the shipwreck of Antarctic cruise ship: “We didn’t panic because we knew there must be other cruise ships in the area. The bizarre thing was that people began to tell Titanic jokes.” Possibly like this one:
Titanic was about to sink. People on the ship were crying, running and praying to God - just then a passenger had the following conversation with the captain. Passenger: How far is land, from here? Captain: Around two miles… Passenger: Only two miles, then why these fools are making noise. I can swim even more then that. Just tell me in which direction? Captain: Downward…
Carrots on the Road
Two carrots were crossing the road. One was ran over by a car. After taking the injured carrot to the hospital the doctor says, “Well the good news is that your friend is going to live, but the bad news is he’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”
Sharks and Lawyers
Why sharks would not attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
Accountant Job
An accountant is a the man you hired to show clearly on your tax return you did not make the money you did.
Operation of Life
Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
George Bernard Shaw.
Computer Joke
What kind of crimnal has moral fibre? The answer is: A cereal killer. According to article “Computer crack funnier than many human jokes” in New Scientist Magazine that was the joke made up by a computer!
Politics and Football
Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it’s important. This line belongs to senator Eugene McCarthy.
Winning the Rat Race
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you are still a rat.
Lily Tomlin - comedian and actress.
Precise Accountant
The accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, “That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old.” “How did you get such exact information?” “I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old.”
Programmer and Basketball
The programmer to his son: “Here, I brought you a new basketball.”
“Thank you, dad, but where is the user’s guide?”
Daytraders and Options
Why couldn’t the daytraders agree where to have lunch together?
They all wanted to keep their options open until the last minute.
No Need for WMDs
There is no longer a need for the neutron bomb. We already have something that destroys people and leaves buildings intact. It’s called a mortgage.
Stockbroker Job
Stockbroker’s creed: A man is a client until proven broke.
Lawyer in the Airplane
An airplane was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. Few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”
Graduate Jobs
A science graduate asks, “Why does it work?” An engineering graduate asks, “How does it work?” An accounting graduate asks, “How much it costs?” A humanity graduate asks:
“Do you want fries with that, Sir?”
Efficient Accounting Firm
One day, a partner of a leading accounting firm comes back to his office and says to his manager, “Did you get my telephone message where I said, ‘Ship the Enron documents to the Feds?’” The manager goes white. “Oh My God! I thought you said: Rip the Enron documents to shreds!”
Perfect Reception
Did you hear about the two antennae that got married?
The wedding wasn’t too great but the reception was perfect.
DIMA is now DIC
Below a real story from Australian Strewth Column by Sian Powell:
“As part of the federal Government’s acronym blitz, which will today see the Department of Immigration and Multicultural Affairs, DIMA, change to the Department of Immigration and Citizenship, DIC, (Minister Kevin Andrews might not want to refer to himself as the head of this department), it has also been decided there will now be two DEWRs - the Department of Employment and Workplace Relations and the new Department of Environment and Water Resources. One, many have said, is more than enough.”
Dentist Fees
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $200
Patient: $200 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly, if you like.
–
More jokes very soon 
- Jokes
Leave a Reply