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Aging Joke of Old Man

Joker — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 02:11:50 +0000

Old Man – Aging Jokes

“I’ve sure gotten old,” said Maury the Snitch. “I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees.

I fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

I have bouts with dementia, such poor circulation that I can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Sheesh, I can’t even remember if I’m 26, or 62, or 86!
Plus, I’ve lost all my friends….

But thank God, I still have my driver’s license!”

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Another Cool Funny Jokes Collection

Joker — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 20:31:53 +0000

Golfer and the Caddy

Golfer: Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?
Caddy: The way you play, sir, it’s a sin any day of the week.

Accountant’s Reincarnation

The Accountant’s Theory of Reincarnation: if you are a good and virtuous accountant, then you are reborn as an engineer. But if you are evil, wicked accountant, you are reborn as a psychologist.

Church Signs

The new website called Churchsigngenerator.com is for those who may have a the devilish urge to sneak up to a church and change the sign. You can express yourself now in the privacy of your own home.

Antarctic Cruise

One of the passengers, who survived the shipwreck of Antarctic cruise ship: “We didn’t panic because we knew there must be other cruise ships in the area. The bizarre thing was that people began to tell Titanic jokes.” Possibly like this one:

Titanic was about to sink. People on the ship were crying, running and praying to God – just then a passenger had the following conversation with the captain. Passenger: How far is land, from here? Captain: Around two miles… Passenger: Only two miles, then why these fools are making noise. I can swim even more then that. Just tell me in which direction? Captain: Downward…

Carrots on the Road

Two carrots were crossing the road. One was ran over by a car. After taking the injured carrot to the hospital the doctor says, “Well the good news is that your friend is going to live, but the bad news is he’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”

Sharks and Lawyers

Why sharks would not attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

Accountant Job

An accountant is a the man you hired to show clearly on your tax return you did not make the money you did.

Operation of Life

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
George Bernard Shaw.

Computer Joke

What kind of crimnal has moral fibre? The answer is: A cereal killer. According to article “Computer crack funnier than many human jokes” in New Scientist Magazine that was the joke made up by a computer!

Politics and Football

Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it’s important. This line belongs to senator Eugene McCarthy.

Winning the Rat Race

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you are still a rat.

Lily Tomlin – comedian and actress.

Precise Accountant

The accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, “That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old.” “How did you get such exact information?” “I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old.”

Programmer and Basketball

The programmer to his son: “Here, I brought you a new basketball.”
“Thank you, dad, but where is the user’s guide?”

Daytraders and Options

Why couldn’t the daytraders agree where to have lunch together?
They all wanted to keep their options open until the last minute.

No Need for WMDs

There is no longer a need for the neutron bomb. We already have something that destroys people and leaves buildings intact. It’s called a mortgage.

Stockbroker Job

Stockbroker’s creed: A man is a client until proven broke.

Lawyer in the Airplane

An airplane was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. Few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”

Graduate Jobs

A science graduate asks, “Why does it work?” An engineering graduate asks, “How does it work?” An accounting graduate asks, “How much it costs?” A humanity graduate asks:

“Do you want fries with that, Sir?”

Efficient Accounting Firm

One day, a partner of a leading accounting firm comes back to his office and says to his manager, “Did you get my telephone message where I said, ‘Ship the Enron documents to the Feds?’” The manager goes white. “Oh My God! I thought you said: Rip the Enron documents to shreds!”

Perfect Reception

Did you hear about the two antennae that got married?
The wedding wasn’t too great but the reception was perfect.

DIMA is now DIC

Below a real story from Australian Strewth Column by Sian Powell:

“As part of the federal Government’s acronym blitz, which will today see the Department of Immigration and Multicultural Affairs, DIMA, change to the Department of Immigration and Citizenship, DIC, (Minister Kevin Andrews might not want to refer to himself as the head of this department), it has also been decided there will now be two DEWRs – the Department of Employment and Workplace Relations and the new Department of Environment and Water Resources. One, many have said, is more than enough.”

Dentist Fees

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

Dentist: $200

Patient: $200 for just a few minutes work???

Dentist: I can extract it very slowly, if you like.

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More jokes very soon
- Jokes

Yo Momma Lines Short Jokes : Misc Collection

Joker — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 20:13:37 +0000

1. Yo momma is so dark she went to night school and was marked absent!

2. Yo momma is so dark she spits chocolate milk!

3. Yo momma is so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.

4. Yo momma is so dark she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls to
keep from eating her fingers.

5. Yo momma is so dirty she has to creep up on bathwater.

6. Yo momma is so short she poses for trophies!

7. Yo momma is so short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence!

8. Yo momma is so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.

9. Yo momma is so short she can play handball on the curb.

10. Yo momma is so short she does backflips under the bed.

11. Yo momma is so nasty when she goes to a hair salon, she told the stylist to cut
her hair and she opened up her shirt

12. Yo momma is so nasty She gotta put ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh!

13. Yo momma is so nasty she made speed stick slow down.

14. Yo momma is so nasty she brings crabs to the beach

15. Yo momma is so nasty she made right guard turn left.

16. Yo momma is so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave

17. Yo momma is so nasty that her sh*t is glad to escape.

18. Yo momma is so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off

19. Yo momma is so nasty I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.

20. Yo momma is like potato chips– Fri-to Lay

21. Yo momma is like a screen door, after a couple bangs she tends to loosen up!

22. Yo momma is like the pillbury doughboy – everyone gets a poke!

23. Yo momma is like a doorknob – everyone gets a turn!

24. Yo momma is like a T.V. set, even a three year old can turn her on!

25. Yo momma is like a doorknob, everyone gets a turn!

26. Yo momma is like a bus, fifty cents and she’s ready to ride!

27. Yo momma is like a golf course, everyone GETS a hole in one!

28. Yo momma is like the railway system, she gets laid all over the country!

29. Yo momma is like a tomato source bottle, everyone gets a squeeze out of her!

30. Yo momma is like a shotgun on one cock and she blows!

The list continues below

31. Yo momma is like a hardware store – 4 cents a screw!

32. Yo momma is like Domino’s pizza– Something for nothing

33. Yo momma is like a refridgerator – everyone likes to put their meat in her!

34. Yo momma is like cake mix, 15 servings per package!

35. Yo momma is like a bowling ball. She’s picked up, fingered, and then thrown in
the gutter.

36. Yo momma is like a bus Guys, climb on and off her all day long.

37. Yo momma is like a Toyota “Oh what a feelin’!”

38. Yo momma is like Orange Crush “Good Vibrations!”

39. Yo momma is like a bubble-gum machine… five cents a blow.

40. Yo momma is like chinese food sweet, sour and cheap!

41. Yo momma is like a vaccuum cleaner…..a real good suck.

42. Yo momma is so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth!

43. Yo momma is so hairy she’s got afros on her nipples!

44. Yo momma is so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock.

45. Yo momma is so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!

46. Yo momma is so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls
her Hair Jordan.

47. Yo momma is so slutty she could suck-start a Harley!

48. Yo momma is so slutty she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball!

49. Yo momma is so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on her
nice belt!

50. Yo momma is so slutty she was on the cover of wheaties, with her legs open, and
it said “breakfast of the champs”

51. Yo momma is so slutty that I could’ve been your daddy, but the guy in line behind
me had the correct change.

52. Yo momma is so slutty she had her own “Hands across her ass” charity drive

53. Yo momma is so slutty that when she heard Santa Claus say HO HO HO she thought
she was getting it three times.

54. Yo momma is so slutty I fucked her and I’s a chick!

55. Yo momma is so slutty she blind and seeing another man.

56. Yo momma nose so big she makes Pinochio look like a cat!

57. Yo momma is so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!

58. Yo momma is so greasy she sweats Crisco!

59. Yo momma is so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her

60. Yo momma’s teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!

61. Yo momma’s teeth are so yellow she spits butter!

62. Yo momma is so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.

63. Yo momma is so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio

64. Yo momma is so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.

65. Yo momma is so skinny she turned sideways and dissapeared.

66. Yo momma nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers!

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Clinton and the Pope – Jokes

Joker — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 22:30:13 +0000

One unfortunate day, Bill Clinton and the Pope both died, Clinton was condemned to Hell and Pope was going to be sent to Heaven. But this all got muddled up and they were sent to the wrong places. So, an angel was sent down to Hell to get the Pope and a devil was sent up to get Clinton, as they were being led towards their destination, they met in the middle. “I’m really looking forward to meeting the Virgin Mary,” the Pope said. “Ermm, you’re 5 minutes too late,” replied Clinton.

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alsoA recent poll of American women asked the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton? 94 percent responded “Never again!”

Two sheep in a field – Joke

Joker — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 22:29:24 +0000

Two sheep in a field, one says, “Baaaaaaaa!”
The other says, “Damn! I was just going to say that!”

Bear and rabbit – Joke

Joker — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 22:28:45 +0000

A big bear and little rabbit are taking a dump side by side in the woods. The bear looks down at the rabbit and asks. “Do you have trouble with poop sticking to your fur?” The rabbit replies “no”. So the bear wiped his bottom with the rabbit.

Blog.Letsjoy.com Moved to Letsjoy.com/Blog

Success through the ages

Joker — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 22:27:54 +0000

At age 4, success is… not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is… having friends.
At age 16, success is… having a driver’s license.
At age 20, success is… having sex.
At age 35, success is… having money.
At age 50, success is… having money.
At age 60, success is… having sex.
At age 70, success is… having a driver’s license.
At age 75, success is… having friends.
At age 90, success is… not peeing in your pants.

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Male and Female Showering Habits

Joker — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 22:26:49 +0000

Shower like a woman…
Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat.

Get in shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Condition hair with cucumber and lamprey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it’s all come off.

Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails and or tweezers (if you can find them).

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.

Shower like a man…
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting “Way Hey!!”

Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique.

Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff.

Get in shower.

Don’t bother to look for wash cloth, don’t need one.

Wash face.

Wash armpits.

Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.

Wash bollocks and the surrounding area.

Wash arse, leaving hair on soap.

Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.

Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.

Piss in shower.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time.

Partially dry off.

Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again.

Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.

Leave bathroom light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go “Yeah baby” and thrust pelvis at her.

Put on yesterday’s clothes.

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Men Women Fight by Kids Funny

Joker — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 18:23:37 +0000

Hope you like it

Credits to Khushboo
http://forum.chatdd.com/teen-talk/22116-arrrrggggghhhhhhhhhh-men.html

Jokes Collecion

Joker — Fri, 19 Jan 2007 01:45:27 +0000

Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.

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Why are blondes only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?

It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.

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What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she’s pregnant.

Is it mine?

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How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?

Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.

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Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

You can park in the handicapped spots.

===

What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?

There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.

Jokes Collecion