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Golfer: Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?
Caddy: The way you play, sir, it’s a sin any day of the week.

Accountant’s Reincarnation

The Accountant’s Theory of Reincarnation: if you are a good and virtuous accountant, then you are reborn as an engineer. But if you are evil, wicked accountant, you are reborn as a psychologist.

Church Signs

The new website called Churchsigngenerator.com is for those who may have a the devilish urge to sneak up to a church and change the sign. You can express yourself now in the privacy of your own home.

Antarctic Cruise

One of the passengers, who survived the shipwreck of Antarctic cruise ship: “We didn’t panic because we knew there must be other cruise ships in the area. The bizarre thing was that people began to tell Titanic jokes.” Possibly like this one:

Titanic was about to sink. People on the ship were crying, running and praying to God - just then a passenger had the following conversation with the captain. Passenger: How far is land, from here? Captain: Around two miles… Passenger: Only two miles, then why these fools are making noise. I can swim even more then that. Just tell me in which direction? Captain: Downward…

Carrots on the Road

Two carrots were crossing the road. One was ran over by a car. After taking the injured carrot to the hospital the doctor says, “Well the good news is that your friend is going to live, but the bad news is he’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”

Sharks and Lawyers

Why sharks would not attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

Accountant Job

An accountant is a the man you hired to show clearly on your tax return you did not make the money you did.

Operation of Life

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
George Bernard Shaw.

Computer Joke

What kind of crimnal has moral fibre? The answer is: A cereal killer. According to article “Computer crack funnier than many human jokes” in New Scientist Magazine that was the joke made up by a computer!

Politics and Football

Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it’s important. This line belongs to senator Eugene McCarthy.

Winning the Rat Race

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you are still a rat.

Lily Tomlin - comedian and actress.

Precise Accountant

The accountant was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, “That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old.” “How did you get such exact information?” “I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old.”

Programmer and Basketball

The programmer to his son: “Here, I brought you a new basketball.”
“Thank you, dad, but where is the user’s guide?”

Daytraders and Options

Why couldn’t the daytraders agree where to have lunch together?
They all wanted to keep their options open until the last minute.

No Need for WMDs

There is no longer a need for the neutron bomb. We already have something that destroys people and leaves buildings intact. It’s called a mortgage.

Stockbroker Job

Stockbroker’s creed: A man is a client until proven broke.

Lawyer in the Airplane

An airplane was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. Few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”

Graduate Jobs

A science graduate asks, “Why does it work?” An engineering graduate asks, “How does it work?” An accounting graduate asks, “How much it costs?” A humanity graduate asks:

“Do you want fries with that, Sir?”

Efficient Accounting Firm

One day, a partner of a leading accounting firm comes back to his office and says to his manager, “Did you get my telephone message where I said, ‘Ship the Enron documents to the Feds?’” The manager goes white. “Oh My God! I thought you said: Rip the Enron documents to shreds!”

Perfect Reception

Did you hear about the two antennae that got married?
The wedding wasn’t too great but the reception was perfect.

DIMA is now DIC

Below a real story from Australian Strewth Column by Sian Powell:

“As part of the federal Government’s acronym blitz, which will today see the Department of Immigration and Multicultural Affairs, DIMA, change to the Department of Immigration and Citizenship, DIC, (Minister Kevin Andrews might not want to refer to himself as the head of this department), it has also been decided there will now be two DEWRs - the Department of Employment and Workplace Relations and the new Department of Environment and Water Resources. One, many have said, is more than enough.”

Dentist Fees

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

Dentist: $200

Patient: $200 for just a few minutes work???

Dentist: I can extract it very slowly, if you like.

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More jokes very soon
- Jokes

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

ISN’T ENGLISH A FUNNY LANGUAGE ?

There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple…
Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?


Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese?
One index, two indices?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down.
You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
.English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France.

Now i know why i failed in english.

It’s not my fault but the silly language doesn’t quite know whether it’s coming or going

Submit By Pena

may be best clip i ever shared

66. Yo momma nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers!