What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter… he won’t come to you anyway!
What do you call a guy at your front door with no legs or arms?
Matt!
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn’t
looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go
flying by.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn’t there the first
time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to
stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d
want to have with dinner.
Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night
long.
Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always
wrong.
Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or
the bathroom.
Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are
handicapped.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.
Why are men like commercials?
You can’t believe a word they say.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to him.
Why are guys like lava lamps?
They’re fun to watch, but not very bright!
What have you done wrong if your wife walks into the living room and slaps
you.
You have left the chain to long.
If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the
front door, who would you let in first?
The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.
I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
If it weren’t for electricity we would all be watching television by
candlelight.
George Gobel
Don’t spend 2 dollars to have a shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation
Army. They’ll clean it and put it on a hangar. Next morning you can buy it back
for 75 cents.
Billiam Coronel
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I
hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress…
But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the
last one went out.
How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state
production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow
production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an ’800′ number to order
an American light bulb.
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.
Yo mama’s so stupid she can’t pass a blood test.
Yo mama’s so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to
make up her mind.
Yo mama’s so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo mama’s so dumb she brought a spoon to the Super-Bowl.
Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo mama so ugly they didn’t give her a costume when she tried out for Star
Wars.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence
cameras.
Yo mama so old she has Jesus’ beeper number!
Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
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